Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
