Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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