Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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