My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
