I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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