Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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