im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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