If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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