She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
