No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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