Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
