2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
