Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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