What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We have started to decorate penises.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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