he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
