Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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