I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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