Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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