My sheets look like a crime scene.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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