The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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