So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize