Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
