I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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