The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
