sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize