You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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