you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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