Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm gonna have a badass scar
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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