You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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