How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Randomize
