I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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