My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
