mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
