Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
