he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
