You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
