He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
