is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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