i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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