My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize