Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
