I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
