btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
