just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
