Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
