The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
