Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
