every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
