My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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