didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
