just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
