I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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