booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
