I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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