I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
