If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
