so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I think my moral compass just broke
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